Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
