Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
