Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
