guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My bed is full of blood and feathers
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i think my cat just said my name.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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