I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
