3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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