I wish I only lived at night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
