then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
