a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
