The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to calm my uterus...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
