Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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