Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Randomize
