That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
