I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
