I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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