I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why can't burritos get me drunk
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
