So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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