I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
