I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i have two assholes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
