I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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