So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
