don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
