i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she smelled like a LAN party
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
