You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
