i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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