I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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