She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
