Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
