I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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