Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
