in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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