Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
how does that bad decision feel?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
