There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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