On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
