Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
