someone threw a dead crab at me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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