Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
