When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
