no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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