i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The power of my boobs compel you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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