I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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