There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
