I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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