My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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