I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
