Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
