FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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