did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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