I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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