I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
