so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
