If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
