Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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