seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
