dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
