How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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