is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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