apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Who died my cat blue again?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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